It's been way too long since my last post. Davis and Blaine keep me super busy when I am not at work. Cooper has entered my mind a lot lately. I was quite surprised by how difficult mid May was for me. I assumed since I had already been through the anniversaries of his birth and death last year that this year would be easier. No it was not easier and since I did not prepare myself it was worse. May 17th is the day I entered the hospital and first faced the possibly of Cooper dying. Last Thursday, I kept looking at the clock and going back to what was happening two years at that particular time. Even though it was worse this year, i was very proud of myself on monday (the second anniversary of the day Cooper died). There is a little boy named Cooper that sometimes shows up to Davis's hockey skating class. He showed up on Monday and everytime someone shouted his name it was incredably difficult not to cry. But I did it and managed not to cry while there. The pain that comes with losing a child never lessens you just learn to tolerate the pain.

Missing my little Valentine

Whoa it's been a longtime since I have posted but Cooper has never been missed more. While I am very very grateful for a healthy Blaine and Davis, I still have lots of moments where I wonder what it would be like with a one year old Cooper running around here. Would he look like his brothers? What would his personalty be like? Would he have adjusted well to being the middle child? What type of Valentines would we have taken to school in addition to Davis's superhero Valentines and Blaine's Winnie the Pooh Valentines? My guess would be Mickey Mouse Clubhouse but I will never know.

One thing I do know is that Cooper was up above looking out for his mommy and little brother on October 11th. Blaine was not due for another four weeks and a day and we had scheduled a c section for two weeks early on Oct 26th. Everything had been going perfectly-my BP was perfect, I had only gained two pounds in the pregnancy, no visible swelling and there was no protein in my urine. At my normal checkup I stepped up on the scales and there was a drastic 8 pound gain since the last checkup which I knew had to be water weight. Then she took my BP, all I saw before the tears started flowing was 140 as the top number. The nurse retook it two times and they were even higher. When I saw the doctor she said that was no protein but they needed me to go to Rex to monitor my BP for awhile. At Rex, my BP calmed down and Matt got to the hospital. (The only appt Matt had to miss the entire pregnancy was that days because of the Credit Unions annual meeting in Greensboro.) I had my parents come up to help with Davis. All but one of the tests had come back good and the last test was the protein test which earlier had been negative so we went my parents and Davis off to eat with thoughts that I was only ten minutes from being discharged. Then the doctor came back with the news, protein had appeared since my appt earlier and while it was still mild PE he felt we should go ahead and deliver because of the speed it moved the last time. Blaine born a hour later and was absolutely perfect. He came out mad and showed us very quickly that his lungs were good. Cooper was definitely looking out for us that day because I look and think what if protein did not show up that second time. I could have gone home and the PE could have blown up on me putting my and Blaine's lives on the line. So a big thank you to my little boy up in heaven!