Everyone deserves to be missed

It’s been awhile since I have posted. Since I am back to my daily routine of working and keeping up with a three year old (that I swear must have a secret sash of Red Bull), I am left with little free time. I have gotten to a point where I realize things are not going to get any better. I don’t mean that in a depressed kind of way but that I have come to peace with things. I realize that losing Cooper is always going to hurt. I am always going to think about what he would look like, how he would act and miss him constantly. Most of the time, I can handle it and think about the 22 hours we had and how he is in heaven now keeping a eye on us. There are some moments when I break down but I never see a time when that does not happen. But that’s okay because everyone deserves to get tears because they are missed.
I have pictures of both my boys up in my office so I get asked about them at least once a day. I get such a wide range of responses when I tell them that Cooper is my son who is heaven. Most are usually "Oh I am so sorry". Some people immediately become awkward and change the subject without even acknowledging what I just told them because they can not handle it. Which I understand it is painful thinking about losing a child but if I am obviously ok with talking about Cooper (you see pictures and I can tell you how I lost him without crying) then surely you can find the strength to not immediately change the subject. Others try to be nice and say something but then will say something the only comment that I hate -"Well, you are young enough to try again." I smile and don’t respond to the comment because I know they are trying to be nice. But I would rather you not say anything at all if that’s all you can come up with because my Cooper is not replaceable. I could have 10 more kids and I would still think of Cooper and miss him every moment of my life. But that’s okay because he deserves to be missed.

A person is a person no matter how small

We have had some family and friends not even acknowledge Cooper's death. No phone call or email. No contact whatsoever. I know for most of them it is because they do not know what to say. But a few comments that I have gotten and read on a forum that I belong to make me think some may believe it is not that big of a deal. "Pregnancies are lost all the time" and "You did not know him that long so it should not be that hard". Some act like it was not a loss at all but a health issue. Nothing could be farther from the truth. It may be different if you lose the baby early while it is still a fertilized egg but at some point that egg turns into a child. People will ask how I am doing but not ask how Matt is doing. While I appreciate people asking about me, Matt is hurting just as much as I am. Many people are devastated by the loss of Cooper. I have gotten a few comments that at least I was young enough that I could just try again. You can not just replace a child. That's not how it works. He was a person not a pregnancy. Can you replace a parent when they pass away? I think not. A person is a person no matter how small. When someone passes away, people take comfort in the memories of that person. I wish I had more time and memories with Cooper. 22 hours was not enough for me.

Tar Heel Football

Although I am very excited to see what the Tar Heel football team is going to do this year, I am somewhat dreading it. When the Chick fil a match up of UNC vs LSU (the first game of our season and over labor day weekend) in Atlanta was announced, Matt and I were psyched. But then when we got pregnant with Cooper we realized his due date was Sept 7th and just days after the game so going was out of the question. I soon realized that most of the football games would be out of the question for me as well with Cooper being so young. My brother Kenny was going to go to the games with Matt and Davis in my place. I would be at home with my little boy. Then in May we lost him. Now Matt, Kenny and I are going down to Atlanta for the Chick fil a game which I have fixed feelings about. And then we will make six trips to Chapel Hill for home games during the fall. The stadium is just steps from UNC Hospital. As bad as it will hurt every time I go back to Chapel Hill and walk by the stadium, it is still extremely special to me that Cooper lived his life there. Its where his Mommy and Daddy met and fell in love eight years ago. I smile thinking about how Cooper is up in heaven wearing Carolina Blue wings because he was a true Tar Heel just like his Mommy, Daddy and big brother.

Really?

I was talking to a friend who was telling me how a family member and other relatives were very upset that that a family member was expecting a girl and not a boy. This of course made me upset. All children are gifts and the only thing a future parent should worry about is that the baby coming into the world healthy. There are so many people out there that should not be parents. They are not mature enough to have children and have not thought about what it takes to raise a child emotionally and financially. And there are so many couples that can not have children that would be terrific parents. It's not fair. I can not help but be angry when I see parents neglecting their children. I know there are reasons for everything but I can not help but think what could be a good enough reason.

Halloween

So yesterday I thought of what would have been the perfect Halloween costume for Cooper..... Cookie Monster. Because both Cookie Monster and Cooper start with the COO. Yeah I know it would have been dorky but it would have made for an embarrassing story to tell and pictures to show during Cooper's teenage years. Isn't that a Mommy's Job? Of course Matt's vote would have been for the lobster costume we own already. And big brother Davis's vote would have been for a character from Toy Story.

Hatred of a word

I started back to work on Thursday. Contractors finally finished my new branch that opened the same day as Cooper's funeral. While setting up my new office, I was going through a personal folder and found a brochure about a study we were involved in while I was pregnant with Davis. I broke down in tears. The study looked at whether extra Vitamins C & E helped prevent Preeclampsia. About a month before I was hospitalized, I received the results of the study that showed the vitamins do not decrease prevention of preeclampsia. Little did I know at the time how the disease was about to impact my life by taking my child's life. How I would come to hate the word preeclampsia. Now every time I hear or read the word I cringe. I know I will hate the word for the rest of my life because nothing will bring Cooper back to me. But I pray that a genius doctor will come along and discover a cure so no other mother will come to hate the word preeclampsia as much as I do.

Explaining to Davis

As hard as it is for me to understand what happened, it is even more difficult explaining it to Davis. Cooper was in Mommy's tummy and all of sudden he is not and everyone is upset. We told him that Cooper was born and too sick to stay here so he had to go to heaven. He understands as well as two and half year can. If you ask him where Cooper is, he will say "far away in heaven". The other day Davis randomly asked me if I could go far away to heaven to get Cooper and bring him back because he wanted to see him. Holding back the tears, I explained that once you get to heaven you can not come back. He recognizes Cooper in pictures and if you ask him if he has a brother he will respond "Yes Baby Cooper". I have a Pandora bracelet with a October birthstone and little boy for Davis and a May birthstone and little angel for Cooper. Whenever Davis notices it, he will point out which are for him and which are for Cooper. I don't want Davis to forget. Actually I don't want anyone to forget about Cooper. Last night when Davis was sitting in my lap I started crying because I was thinking how I will never get to do that with Cooper. Davis asked what was wrong and I told him I was sad. He asked "About Cooper?" I responded yes and he told me to go get a hug from his Daddy. So he definitely understands as much as he can at his age.

The biggest part of my pain right now is thinking about how Cooper and Davis will not get to grow up together and how Davis will not have the chance to do big brother duties. Even though I know its wrong, I find myself being most upset when I see young brothers together because I am jealous and sad.