A person is a person no matter how small

We have had some family and friends not even acknowledge Cooper's death. No phone call or email. No contact whatsoever. I know for most of them it is because they do not know what to say. But a few comments that I have gotten and read on a forum that I belong to make me think some may believe it is not that big of a deal. "Pregnancies are lost all the time" and "You did not know him that long so it should not be that hard". Some act like it was not a loss at all but a health issue. Nothing could be farther from the truth. It may be different if you lose the baby early while it is still a fertilized egg but at some point that egg turns into a child. People will ask how I am doing but not ask how Matt is doing. While I appreciate people asking about me, Matt is hurting just as much as I am. Many people are devastated by the loss of Cooper. I have gotten a few comments that at least I was young enough that I could just try again. You can not just replace a child. That's not how it works. He was a person not a pregnancy. Can you replace a parent when they pass away? I think not. A person is a person no matter how small. When someone passes away, people take comfort in the memories of that person. I wish I had more time and memories with Cooper. 22 hours was not enough for me.

Tar Heel Football

Although I am very excited to see what the Tar Heel football team is going to do this year, I am somewhat dreading it. When the Chick fil a match up of UNC vs LSU (the first game of our season and over labor day weekend) in Atlanta was announced, Matt and I were psyched. But then when we got pregnant with Cooper we realized his due date was Sept 7th and just days after the game so going was out of the question. I soon realized that most of the football games would be out of the question for me as well with Cooper being so young. My brother Kenny was going to go to the games with Matt and Davis in my place. I would be at home with my little boy. Then in May we lost him. Now Matt, Kenny and I are going down to Atlanta for the Chick fil a game which I have fixed feelings about. And then we will make six trips to Chapel Hill for home games during the fall. The stadium is just steps from UNC Hospital. As bad as it will hurt every time I go back to Chapel Hill and walk by the stadium, it is still extremely special to me that Cooper lived his life there. Its where his Mommy and Daddy met and fell in love eight years ago. I smile thinking about how Cooper is up in heaven wearing Carolina Blue wings because he was a true Tar Heel just like his Mommy, Daddy and big brother.

Really?

I was talking to a friend who was telling me how a family member and other relatives were very upset that that a family member was expecting a girl and not a boy. This of course made me upset. All children are gifts and the only thing a future parent should worry about is that the baby coming into the world healthy. There are so many people out there that should not be parents. They are not mature enough to have children and have not thought about what it takes to raise a child emotionally and financially. And there are so many couples that can not have children that would be terrific parents. It's not fair. I can not help but be angry when I see parents neglecting their children. I know there are reasons for everything but I can not help but think what could be a good enough reason.

Halloween

So yesterday I thought of what would have been the perfect Halloween costume for Cooper..... Cookie Monster. Because both Cookie Monster and Cooper start with the COO. Yeah I know it would have been dorky but it would have made for an embarrassing story to tell and pictures to show during Cooper's teenage years. Isn't that a Mommy's Job? Of course Matt's vote would have been for the lobster costume we own already. And big brother Davis's vote would have been for a character from Toy Story.

Hatred of a word

I started back to work on Thursday. Contractors finally finished my new branch that opened the same day as Cooper's funeral. While setting up my new office, I was going through a personal folder and found a brochure about a study we were involved in while I was pregnant with Davis. I broke down in tears. The study looked at whether extra Vitamins C & E helped prevent Preeclampsia. About a month before I was hospitalized, I received the results of the study that showed the vitamins do not decrease prevention of preeclampsia. Little did I know at the time how the disease was about to impact my life by taking my child's life. How I would come to hate the word preeclampsia. Now every time I hear or read the word I cringe. I know I will hate the word for the rest of my life because nothing will bring Cooper back to me. But I pray that a genius doctor will come along and discover a cure so no other mother will come to hate the word preeclampsia as much as I do.

Explaining to Davis

As hard as it is for me to understand what happened, it is even more difficult explaining it to Davis. Cooper was in Mommy's tummy and all of sudden he is not and everyone is upset. We told him that Cooper was born and too sick to stay here so he had to go to heaven. He understands as well as two and half year can. If you ask him where Cooper is, he will say "far away in heaven". The other day Davis randomly asked me if I could go far away to heaven to get Cooper and bring him back because he wanted to see him. Holding back the tears, I explained that once you get to heaven you can not come back. He recognizes Cooper in pictures and if you ask him if he has a brother he will respond "Yes Baby Cooper". I have a Pandora bracelet with a October birthstone and little boy for Davis and a May birthstone and little angel for Cooper. Whenever Davis notices it, he will point out which are for him and which are for Cooper. I don't want Davis to forget. Actually I don't want anyone to forget about Cooper. Last night when Davis was sitting in my lap I started crying because I was thinking how I will never get to do that with Cooper. Davis asked what was wrong and I told him I was sad. He asked "About Cooper?" I responded yes and he told me to go get a hug from his Daddy. So he definitely understands as much as he can at his age.

The biggest part of my pain right now is thinking about how Cooper and Davis will not get to grow up together and how Davis will not have the chance to do big brother duties. Even though I know its wrong, I find myself being most upset when I see young brothers together because I am jealous and sad.

Unexpected Fraternity

Before mid may, I never expected to lose Cooper. Even though he had not made his appearance yet, Cooper was an important member of our family. When we would pass by the Buttons & Bows Preschool location that has the infant room, I would hear from Davis, "Mommy, there's Cooper's School!" The nursery room in our house was called Cooper's room. And being a fabulous big brother, when Davis would have two of a toy he would tell me one was his and the other was Cooper's. Every time I imagined the future, Cooper & Davis were always right there together. We even were making plans to go to Disney next April thinking that Cooper would not be walking yet so we would only be stuck running after his big brother. Sometimes I sit and think what the heck happened. How could this happen and why is it happening to me? These are questions that will never be answered. But I am trying to stay strong so Cooper will be proud of his mommy. An unexpected source of strength are the parents who have lost children letting us know that we are not the only ones and they are there for us anytime. People we barely know and some that I have never even met have emailed supportive emails and called. It's almost like a fraternity. You know that pain as a parent and even though it will bring back memories of your loss you are going to be a support to someone else. You can not erase your pain but you can help someone else with theirs. During Cooper's funeral, I looked up and saw my cousin's wife Tammy there. She was there for me and it helped me get through that horrible moment knowing that I was not the only mother there that had gone through that. I have never told her this but Tammy is one of my heroes and she was even before I lost Cooper. She and Andy had lost their precious son Drew when he was a baby due to the irresponsibility of a daycare provider. She felt that she needed to do something about it to help others so Tammy told her story to the News and Observer which ran a special about the importance of daycares needing to put babies to sleep on their backs not tummies to protect the child from SIDS. Soon after, NC passed the Safe Sleep law requiring daycares to place the baby on his/her back to sleep. I remember signing the Safe Sleep form at Davis's first daycare and tearing up because I was so proud. It's amazing that Tammy was able to initiate change after losing her son. I wish I could figure out how to the same.