Soccer

I am coaching Blaine's soccer team this fall. I don't know which will be funnier-me coaching or Blaine's stubbornness when things don't go his way. At the coaches meeting last week, rosters were handed out. We play 3 v 3 so I only have 5 players. My heart broke when I looked down at my roster. I had a Cooper with the DOB of August 26, 2010. Cooper's due date was the first week of September but because he was going to be a repeat c-section we had already scheduled surgery for August 31st 2010. What were the odds this would happen? Why did this happen? When I least expect it, a vicious reminder that I don't have my Cooper comes along. How could I coach this Cooper and not be thinking of my Cooper who Should have been born the same week? I didn't think it was possible so after explaining to the league director and another coach who were both very understanding a player exchange was done. I wish I was strong enough that I didn't need to ask but I wasn't.

Proud Mom of Three

I have pictures of Cooper up in my office, at home and on Facebook. When people ask how many kids I have, I respond three but my middle son passed away shortly after he was born so I only have two at home driving crazy. People give me funny looks sometimes And/or say they are sorry about Cooper. they quickly change the subject but I have no problems talking about it. I am not mentioning Cooper to get people to feel bad for me. I am not looking for sympathy. I don't write this blog for sympathy but as a coping mechanism. I just can not say I have two Children. Sometimes if I don't feel like talking about it I will change the wording to "I have two kids at home" or "I have a 7 year old and a three year oldor " But I would not ever say I am a mom of two. Sometimes I wonder if people think I am trying to milk this thing and get attention but that could not be further from the truth. I just can not say I am a mom of two- it is extremely painful. Cooper is just as much my son as Davis and Blaine arnot so I am a mom of three

Good moments

Although we only had 22 hours, there were some good, positive moments to remember with Cooper. Singing to him and although crying took a lot of effort Cooper screaming because I suck at singing. I tried the damn Barney song because daycare had shown Barney and Davis loved it so I sang it for him. Cooper screamed so I stopped and Cooper stopped. Matt laughed said it was because I was a horrible singer. So I tried another song. Cooper screamed again. Matt was rolling in laughter so I laughed and told ok I get you-no more singing. The first day in the hospital a nurse wrote on the dry ease board "stay in there Cooper". When the fight was over, a nurse went to erase it and Cooper's name would not come off I swear. She tried a few other ways and it would not come off. It's like someone had written his name in permanent marker. My children were created by two extremely stubborn people-what can say? :) UNC was great in making suggestions that I would have not thought of at that time. Cooper was baptized before he passed. They took pictures for us since we did not have a camera. I have footprints, an outfit that he was in, several hats he wore and his tiny diaper that was simply there for us because there was no way he would be able to go potty. A stuffed bear was in my recovery room that I was moved to. I knew it was there for babies who were going home but instead it became Cooper's gift to his big brother who immediately named him Cooper Bear. Davis and Blaine have been told if even if they get buy with something they were not supposed to do eventually Matt and I would find out because Cooper is watching them, making a list and will rat them out when we see him one day because that's what brothers and sisters do. Matt and I still have our baby blankets (which ironically match each others). Matt gave Davis his and it became Davis's blankey that he sleeps with. When I was holding Cooper I had mine with me because yes even in my thirties I still slept with mine, I wrapped Cooper in it and told him that it was his blankey and I would protect it for him. So Blaine was not given Cooper's blankey and I slept with it. Recently Davis's blankey got a large hole in it that needs to be repaired so he is not allowed to sleep with it until then. He grabbed what he thought was my blanket to use I meantime. A few weeks ago I told Davis it is actually Cooper's and told him the story. Davis has protected that blanket with his life and now could care less if we fix the other blanket. Recently we had another story happen and is still happening. Blaine will now tell you who Cooper is when you point to his pictures. The problem is Blaine does not speak clearly yet so instead of saying Cooper he says Pooper instead. This just cracks us up. Especially thinking of how mad Cooper would get if he had his little brother walking around calling him Pooper instead.

Kindergarten

It just occurred to me that this Month I should be registering Cooper for kindergarten. Even if I had not developed Preeclampsia at all we already had a c-section scheduled for August 31st so it would be time to register him. The pain doesn't lessen-you just learn how to deal with it. But there are days when the pain takes over and you have to let the pain out. Today realizing today I should be crying over signing my baby up for Kindergarten but instead I have to grieve for my child was a absolute gut punch of pain. For me, writing this blog helps Me cope so Thank you to those who read it-it helps writing about Cooper and the pain of losing him.

"A Person is A Person No Matter How Small"- Dr Seuss

I love this quote. I have probably used it before in previous posts. One of the things the hospital chaplains warned us about is that there will be some people who will not see our loss of Cooper as the same as someone else who has lost a child . That they think the loss of the newborn is easier somehow. I remember thinking at the time surely people don’t actually think that way but I now know that I was very naïve. A loss of a child is tragic no matter how old she or he is. While I know it is difficult to wake up go through your daily life not seeing a child that you are used to being there, just because I never had that does not make my grief any less painful. I have a birth and death certificate for my child. I had to bury my child just as others did. I had to learn how to grieve and how my husband was grieving and prevent that anger from destroying my marriage as losing a child often will do just as others do. Yes, I don’t go everyday places to be reminded of times I spent there with my child. (I am sure those moments are very tough for those parents I am not discounting those in anyway) But when that parent grieves for the loss of their child, he or she can find comfort in good memories. When you lose a newborn, there are very few-if any-good memories to find comfort with. Anyone who thinks differently should walk a day in my shoes. Try being told there’s nothing they can do, it’s both you and your child or just your child. Try having to make the decision of whether to put your child on life support in hoping for a impossible miracle or to accept reality and opt to make the best of the little time you will have. Even though you know deep down that you made the right decisions for your child, try living with those tough decisions. Try going back to the Operating Room for a moment that is supposed to be one of your happiest moments ever knowing it would soon be followed by your toughest moment ever. Try looking over at a doctor seeing tears in her eyes because she knows you are about to go through . Try holding your dying child that you just met not knowing will it be seconds, minutes or hours before he is no longer with you and doing your best to make it the best life possible be under the circumstances. Try doing that while your body is attempting to recover from being close to failure. Try watching your husband hold yall’s child and pointing out the window and explaining that’s Kenan Stadium and why the campus is important to your family while you know that since he was born too early your child could not see a thing. Try going to football games for the rest of your life for your alma mater and seeing the hospital where your son spent his 22 hours of life at -fighting through that emotion to enjoy the present moment and being grateful for what you do have. Try going through another pregnancy worried that a disease could come back and take another of your children or leave your oldest without a mother. Try explaining to a two and a half year old child that his brother passed away and watching over the next few years as he grows old enough to understand what he has lost and struggling to cope with something adults have difficultly with. Try going through ALL the “firsts” with your other children knowing that you will never have that moment with your child that passed away too soon. Try not knowing what color your child’s eyes were and not knowing who he would grow up to look like or what his personality would be like. As difficult as it can be sometimes, I cherish the moments I had with Cooper and I am grateful to have had him in my life for few moments. I am grateful because I know there are women that don’t even get to hold their child before he or she passes away. I am grateful that I am still here to be a mother to my other children. I am grateful for those while not having experienced my same loss can try to put themselves in my shoes and understand my loss as just as painful as any parent who has lost a child.

No A

Davis, Cooper, Blaine.  There's no "A" name.   Walking into the "big" ultrasound with our second, we had both a boy (Cooper) and girl (Caroline) name picked out. We joked then that we had created a pattern of going backwards in the alphabet and that our third child should be given a "B" name.  The pattern stuck and with the third we walked in with both boy and girl B names.   Blythe was our girl name and Blaine was our compromise on a boy name. Matthew and Davis wanted a Beauchamp and I wanted a Brady and neither was of us would have ever given in on that one so we compromised.

 A member told me today that she often wondered if  someone would have the strength to try again after losing a child who was born prematurely.  Matthew and I had the strength because we were one of two going into the third. The pregnancy with Davis was perfect. My ankles were swollen just one day, BP was great and no protein at all. He was two days overbaked and we forced him out by induction which turned into a c-section.      Our world was rocked the morning I woke up with blood which led to hospitalization and the discovery of severe Preeclampsia (PE).  the doctors were just as surprised as us because it was/is so extremely odd to have no PE with the first and then such a drastic 180 extreme with the second.   After a rollercoaster of emotions, we found the strength to try for a third. We both agreed that the PE came back in any form  that there would not be a fourth.  Two of three pregnancies impacted by PE were not odds we liked.  Within hours of discovering the PE, Blaine was delivered.  The PE was very mild at that point but because we were so far along we and the on call OB  did not want to take any chances. . At only 4 weeks and a day early, Blaine was a little on the small side and only went to the NICU for a few hours as a precaution.  For almost 8 weeks after, Matthew and I discussed  everyday whether there would be a fourth. We knew the decision had to be made quickly because the longer my body went in between pregnancies the higher the chance of the PE being severe vs mild so we made our decision and made it permanent.   We had always dreamed of having three children in the backseat of our cars but the strength to go through another pregnancy was not there.    We still believe our decision was the right one.  It sucks to know that an disease that took our Cooper and almost took my life has made the decision that there will not be an "A" for us.

Popular name?

Davis, Cooper and Blaine.  When Matthew and I picked our boys names, we were looking for names that we not super popular but not spelled so strangely that their names were consistently misspelled.  We liked the using a traditional last name as first name so thus we came up with our boys names.  I can count on one hand the number of people I have heard of with either Davis or Blaine as a first name.   Cooper, however, is growing in popularity.   Cooper has been the name of four kids Davis' age playing hockey, there are a couple more at his school and there were a few more teams for the Preeclampsia Promise walk because of children named Cooper.   Out of the 3 names, the one that gives me a gut punch everytime I hear it is the one I hear most often.  I don't know what I am really getting at with this post except that life can suck sometimes.  I miss my Cooper.