Soccer

I am coaching Blaine's soccer team this fall. I don't know which will be funnier-me coaching or Blaine's stubbornness when things don't go his way. At the coaches meeting last week, rosters were handed out. We play 3 v 3 so I only have 5 players. My heart broke when I looked down at my roster. I had a Cooper with the DOB of August 26, 2010. Cooper's due date was the first week of September but because he was going to be a repeat c-section we had already scheduled surgery for August 31st 2010. What were the odds this would happen? Why did this happen? When I least expect it, a vicious reminder that I don't have my Cooper comes along. How could I coach this Cooper and not be thinking of my Cooper who Should have been born the same week? I didn't think it was possible so after explaining to the league director and another coach who were both very understanding a player exchange was done. I wish I was strong enough that I didn't need to ask but I wasn't.

Proud Mom of Three

I have pictures of Cooper up in my office, at home and on Facebook. When people ask how many kids I have, I respond three but my middle son passed away shortly after he was born so I only have two at home driving crazy. People give me funny looks sometimes And/or say they are sorry about Cooper. they quickly change the subject but I have no problems talking about it. I am not mentioning Cooper to get people to feel bad for me. I am not looking for sympathy. I don't write this blog for sympathy but as a coping mechanism. I just can not say I have two Children. Sometimes if I don't feel like talking about it I will change the wording to "I have two kids at home" or "I have a 7 year old and a three year oldor " But I would not ever say I am a mom of two. Sometimes I wonder if people think I am trying to milk this thing and get attention but that could not be further from the truth. I just can not say I am a mom of two- it is extremely painful. Cooper is just as much my son as Davis and Blaine arnot so I am a mom of three

Good moments

Although we only had 22 hours, there were some good, positive moments to remember with Cooper. Singing to him and although crying took a lot of effort Cooper screaming because I suck at singing. I tried the damn Barney song because daycare had shown Barney and Davis loved it so I sang it for him. Cooper screamed so I stopped and Cooper stopped. Matt laughed said it was because I was a horrible singer. So I tried another song. Cooper screamed again. Matt was rolling in laughter so I laughed and told ok I get you-no more singing. The first day in the hospital a nurse wrote on the dry ease board "stay in there Cooper". When the fight was over, a nurse went to erase it and Cooper's name would not come off I swear. She tried a few other ways and it would not come off. It's like someone had written his name in permanent marker. My children were created by two extremely stubborn people-what can say? :) UNC was great in making suggestions that I would have not thought of at that time. Cooper was baptized before he passed. They took pictures for us since we did not have a camera. I have footprints, an outfit that he was in, several hats he wore and his tiny diaper that was simply there for us because there was no way he would be able to go potty. A stuffed bear was in my recovery room that I was moved to. I knew it was there for babies who were going home but instead it became Cooper's gift to his big brother who immediately named him Cooper Bear. Davis and Blaine have been told if even if they get buy with something they were not supposed to do eventually Matt and I would find out because Cooper is watching them, making a list and will rat them out when we see him one day because that's what brothers and sisters do. Matt and I still have our baby blankets (which ironically match each others). Matt gave Davis his and it became Davis's blankey that he sleeps with. When I was holding Cooper I had mine with me because yes even in my thirties I still slept with mine, I wrapped Cooper in it and told him that it was his blankey and I would protect it for him. So Blaine was not given Cooper's blankey and I slept with it. Recently Davis's blankey got a large hole in it that needs to be repaired so he is not allowed to sleep with it until then. He grabbed what he thought was my blanket to use I meantime. A few weeks ago I told Davis it is actually Cooper's and told him the story. Davis has protected that blanket with his life and now could care less if we fix the other blanket. Recently we had another story happen and is still happening. Blaine will now tell you who Cooper is when you point to his pictures. The problem is Blaine does not speak clearly yet so instead of saying Cooper he says Pooper instead. This just cracks us up. Especially thinking of how mad Cooper would get if he had his little brother walking around calling him Pooper instead.

Kindergarten

It just occurred to me that this Month I should be registering Cooper for kindergarten. Even if I had not developed Preeclampsia at all we already had a c-section scheduled for August 31st so it would be time to register him. The pain doesn't lessen-you just learn how to deal with it. But there are days when the pain takes over and you have to let the pain out. Today realizing today I should be crying over signing my baby up for Kindergarten but instead I have to grieve for my child was a absolute gut punch of pain. For me, writing this blog helps Me cope so Thank you to those who read it-it helps writing about Cooper and the pain of losing him.