Monday, March 28, 2011

The Next American Idol?

After reading back through my blog last week, I realized that I have not shared one of my favorite Cooper stories. Background: Neither Matt or I have never liked Barney. There is just something about that purple dinosaur. So once Davis was old enough to watch TV, we would purposely never turn Barney on. It’s an addictive show for a toddler and we just did not want to have to deal with it. One Rainy Day, Davis’s teachers put on Barney. Of course Davis came home singing the “I love you, you love me” song. Once he realized that Mommy and Daddy did not like Barney the fire only got fueled. Davis would sing it over and over and over again. While I was holding Cooper, I started talking to him about his Big Brother; what Davis liked to do, how he had been looking forward to teaching his little brother things good and bad. I decided to sing the Barney song to Cooper since Davis was not there to do the honors. Cooper starts crying extremely loud. (Keep in mind that it took a lot for him to cry because his lungs were slowing down at this point.) I stop singing, Cooper stops crying and I ask him if he does not like the Barney song. I hear Matt mumble something about it was my singing that he did not like. I rolled my eyes and started singing the song again. Sure enough our son starts crying loudly again! Matt starts laughing and says something to the effect of “Yeah son I agree with you on that”. Here I am managing to hold back the tears long enough to sing a song that I do not like and Cooper manages to get a Mommy “insult” in. Only Matt and I’s child would be able to get a “shot” in like that during a short 22 hour life J

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Extremely Thankful for....

I have read a lot of stories recently about other women who have encountered Severe Preeclampsia. One common theme seems to be a poor knowledge about Preeclampsia by medical providers and refusal by the doctors and nurses to believe the patient’s instinct that something is wrong.
After reading about some of these experiences, I realize how incredibly lucky we were to have the care of my OB office and UNC Hospital. Matthew and I have never had one doubt that we had the best possible care. I met every doctor in the Maternal Fetal Medicine department (high risk OB) at UNC. I never had to give a second thought about requesting a second opinion because I knew that the department would get together every day to discuss Cooper and me. When I was told the news that they were going to have to deliver Cooper that afternoon, there were nine doctors surrounding my bed. As scary & heartbreaking as that moment was, I knew that so many great minds had reviewed my case there was not a better option.
Besides being great doctors, they were great people as well. I knew they really did care which you don’t always find with a doctor. A couple of examples: The anethsealogist who was in charge during my c-section held the hand that Matthew wasn’t able to and at one point she started to cry with me. One of the high risk OBs shared that he and his wife had also lost a child so if Matthew or I ever needed to talk to let them know. I could really go on and on about the doctors at UNC.
The doctors at my OB office were wonderful also. Dr Groff kept calling UNC to check in that week and had the practice send flowers after we lost Cooper. After Rex Hospital had confirmed that I was stable enough for the trip to UNC and were waiting on EMS to get there, another doctor from by OB practice (Dr Wind) stayed with me holding my hand and crying with me. I had already sent Matt on his way to Chapel Hill so he could park and be there when I got there. Looking back it was so nice not to be alone.
I am extremely grateful for the care we received. I know there are women out there that did not have the same experience and will have to live with the “what if I had chosen a different doctor”. I am lucky that I will never have to wonder that.

20 Things parents of angels wish you would remember

I just came across this and really liked it so I wanted to share it. I have starred the ones that don't bother me but I still wanted to include them in case yall wanted to share this with someone else.

20 Things parents of angels wish you would remember
1)I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never say my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2)I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3)I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4)I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is that I love my baby and need to talk about him.
5)I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is it tells me you care.
6)I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes, there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7)I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside of me.
8)I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9)I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
10)I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it's my fault.
11) I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is that it may get easier with time but I will never be "over this".
12) I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't a real baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.
13) My baby's birthday, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day my baby was delivered are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.
14)I wish you would understand that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs and values. Please try to get to know the real me --- maybe you'll still like me.
15) I wish you wouldn't tell me to have another baby. The truth is that I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16) I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you do.
17) I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18) I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me.*
19)I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.
20) I wish you would understand that what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say it it happens to me again.*