Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Heaven

Davis has gotten to a point where he seems to understand the magnitude of losing Cooper. I don’t know if it’s because he is older now and sees others with their little brothers so he understands that he will never have that with Cooper or if it is because we are to the point in our current pregnancy where we are as sure you can be that Blaine will be coming home with us and he is really excited about actually getting the opportunity to be a big brother. Or who knows maybe it is combination. A week or so ago, Davis started randomly crying one night and said that he wants Cooper back so he & Blaine can play with him. You could tell that he was really sad and not just repeating what we have told him about Cooper. While all I wanted to do was break down and sob with him, I knew that I had to stay strong and just reinforce the idea of heaven and that he will see Cooper again one day. I cannot count how many times Matt and I have had to explain that once you get to heaven you are not coming back.
The topic of heaven brings up some interesting questions/comments from a three (almost four) year old. It actually gets cute to hear some of ways Davis has proposed to go get Cooper and bring him back-Buzz Lightyear wings, a super fast airplane (super fast not just fast), jumping real, real high. If we lose a balloon and it floats up in sky, it is floating to heaven so Cooper can play with it. Davis has informed us that Cooper’s favorite balloon is a Carolina Blue one that we let float to heaven. I have also been asked if Cooper gets to eat hotdogs in heaven. Does Santa take presents to Cooper in heaven? And one that would make any father smile and a mother blush, “Cooper did it, not me or Daddy…you can just smell it from heaven”. Yes, my child has blamed a fart on his dead brother…. but only after he tried blaming it on his unborn brother J Matt and I have also learned that we can no longer use “heaven” to describe something on earth that we really enjoy. Davis will correct you really quickly if you try to say someone is “in heaven” because they are doing something they enjoy- “No. you are not in heaven-Cooper is”. Matt started to slip up one time when we were at a BBQ place when he saw red hotdogs on the buffet. He corrected himself mid-sentence and it came out “Davis, you are going to be in California once you see what they have”. Davis came running back to me yelling “Mommy I am in California now because they have red hotdogs here”. So now when our family enjoys something now we are in California not heaven. It makes us smile .

Monday, June 20, 2011

Number Three Not Number Two!

I know all of you know Cooper is and will always be my second child. Blaine does not and will not replace him in any way possible. I have three boys not two. But yet some people don’t seem to get this.
There has been only one time since Cooper’s death I did not mention him after being asked about children. About a month after we lost Cooper, Matt and I were at a wedding in his hometown when someone asked us about children. At the time, I could not muster the strength to tell this stranger how we had two children but one had just gone to heaven less than a month earlier. So I only told her about Davis. I left the wedding in tears feeling so ashamed and angry at myself for not talking about my little boy. Cooper deserved better from his Mommy. Ever since then I have always mentioned Cooper. I even have pictures of Cooper right beside Davis’s pictures in my office at work. I get a lot of awkward responses from people and a lot of times people quickly change the subject but I really don’t care at this point. Even though I don’t have many Cooper stories to share, I am just as proud of Cooper as I am of Davis.
Now with Blaine on the way, I get a lot of “Oh you will have two now!” or “You will just have to try for a third child so you can a girl”. I do a lot of politely correcting people these days. “Nope this is my third”, “While I will only have two driving me crazy, this baby is actually my third” and “I think after three boys Matt and I are just not capable of making girls so I am sure a fourth would be another boy”. I am nice and polite to people even though they have said something stupid because they know about Cooper.
I realize back in the days of my grandparents and even during my parents days it was not uncommon to lose a child during birth or shortly afterwards. Things have changed and now that families are smaller (size-wise) and babies are being born earlier during a pregnancy and still surviving to be healthy children, losing a child is much less infrequent and more heartbreaking than ever. Still it seems to be something that is not talked about or that older people acknowledge as a real loss. I have overheard comments that “at least she did not lose the child when he was older”. While losing a child is absolutely horrible no matter the age of the child, I can promise you that if I had a choice of losing Cooper at 22 hours or 22 years, every time I would chose the latter because at least I could find comfort in memories of Cooper’s childhood. I would have pictures of him smiling, I would know what his eye color was and whether he looked like Matt or I. I would have had more non-replaceable time with Cooper-the only second child I will ever have.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Perspective

After losing Cooper, I have noticed a big change in my perspective on things and what is really important in life. I used to take too many things for granted. Now I have learned to appreciate the things I have been given. Things that would have really bothered me in the past have not so much in the past year. A good example is my reaction to the tornado that destroyed parts of my neighborhood on April 16th. Now I am not going to lie about how frightened I was when the tornado ripped through. I was definitely freaking out as my house was violently shaking and telling God that as much as I wanted to see Cooper again I was not ready to go yet. The tornado passed and I walked outside to see the damage. Once I realized that very few of my neighbors were at home and the ones that were there were okay, I had an amazing calm come over me. I was fine, our house was standing, and no one in our neighborhood was hurt. My house, the two houses beside us only had tree and roof damage. The two houses on the other side of our street had large holes in their homes but were still standing. The next street over had a house lifted off its foundation and sat down the backyard. Homes in the two subdivisions flanking our subdivision had several homes just destroyed. But no one was hurt. About an hour later after the tornado, a neighbor from the cul-da-sac directly across our house came home from a party. She started majorly flipping out. Her home was still there. No major damage. No trees on her home. The whole family was away from home when the tornado came through. Still no one could talk to her and calm her down-not even a tad. Even her next door neighbor (who had a giant hole in the side of her own house) yelled across the yard that she was being ridiculous and needed to calm down. She continued to flip out so I just walked away. I just could not deal with it. How could someone just not see how lucky they were in a moment like that? Even weeks later after dealing with clean-up, roofers and our insurance company, I am still grateful and know how lucky we were. Things could have been worse. Houses are material things are fixable and replaceable.

Monday, March 28, 2011

The Next American Idol?

After reading back through my blog last week, I realized that I have not shared one of my favorite Cooper stories. Background: Neither Matt or I have never liked Barney. There is just something about that purple dinosaur. So once Davis was old enough to watch TV, we would purposely never turn Barney on. It’s an addictive show for a toddler and we just did not want to have to deal with it. One Rainy Day, Davis’s teachers put on Barney. Of course Davis came home singing the “I love you, you love me” song. Once he realized that Mommy and Daddy did not like Barney the fire only got fueled. Davis would sing it over and over and over again. While I was holding Cooper, I started talking to him about his Big Brother; what Davis liked to do, how he had been looking forward to teaching his little brother things good and bad. I decided to sing the Barney song to Cooper since Davis was not there to do the honors. Cooper starts crying extremely loud. (Keep in mind that it took a lot for him to cry because his lungs were slowing down at this point.) I stop singing, Cooper stops crying and I ask him if he does not like the Barney song. I hear Matt mumble something about it was my singing that he did not like. I rolled my eyes and started singing the song again. Sure enough our son starts crying loudly again! Matt starts laughing and says something to the effect of “Yeah son I agree with you on that”. Here I am managing to hold back the tears long enough to sing a song that I do not like and Cooper manages to get a Mommy “insult” in. Only Matt and I’s child would be able to get a “shot” in like that during a short 22 hour life J

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Extremely Thankful for....

I have read a lot of stories recently about other women who have encountered Severe Preeclampsia. One common theme seems to be a poor knowledge about Preeclampsia by medical providers and refusal by the doctors and nurses to believe the patient’s instinct that something is wrong.
After reading about some of these experiences, I realize how incredibly lucky we were to have the care of my OB office and UNC Hospital. Matthew and I have never had one doubt that we had the best possible care. I met every doctor in the Maternal Fetal Medicine department (high risk OB) at UNC. I never had to give a second thought about requesting a second opinion because I knew that the department would get together every day to discuss Cooper and me. When I was told the news that they were going to have to deliver Cooper that afternoon, there were nine doctors surrounding my bed. As scary & heartbreaking as that moment was, I knew that so many great minds had reviewed my case there was not a better option.
Besides being great doctors, they were great people as well. I knew they really did care which you don’t always find with a doctor. A couple of examples: The anethsealogist who was in charge during my c-section held the hand that Matthew wasn’t able to and at one point she started to cry with me. One of the high risk OBs shared that he and his wife had also lost a child so if Matthew or I ever needed to talk to let them know. I could really go on and on about the doctors at UNC.
The doctors at my OB office were wonderful also. Dr Groff kept calling UNC to check in that week and had the practice send flowers after we lost Cooper. After Rex Hospital had confirmed that I was stable enough for the trip to UNC and were waiting on EMS to get there, another doctor from by OB practice (Dr Wind) stayed with me holding my hand and crying with me. I had already sent Matt on his way to Chapel Hill so he could park and be there when I got there. Looking back it was so nice not to be alone.
I am extremely grateful for the care we received. I know there are women out there that did not have the same experience and will have to live with the “what if I had chosen a different doctor”. I am lucky that I will never have to wonder that.

20 Things parents of angels wish you would remember

I just came across this and really liked it so I wanted to share it. I have starred the ones that don't bother me but I still wanted to include them in case yall wanted to share this with someone else.

20 Things parents of angels wish you would remember
1)I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never say my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2)I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3)I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4)I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is that I love my baby and need to talk about him.
5)I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is it tells me you care.
6)I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes, there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7)I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside of me.
8)I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9)I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
10)I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it's my fault.
11) I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is that it may get easier with time but I will never be "over this".
12) I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't a real baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.
13) My baby's birthday, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day my baby was delivered are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.
14)I wish you would understand that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs and values. Please try to get to know the real me --- maybe you'll still like me.
15) I wish you wouldn't tell me to have another baby. The truth is that I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16) I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you do.
17) I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18) I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me.*
19)I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.
20) I wish you would understand that what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say it it happens to me again.*