Halloween

So yesterday I thought of what would have been the perfect Halloween costume for Cooper..... Cookie Monster. Because both Cookie Monster and Cooper start with the COO. Yeah I know it would have been dorky but it would have made for an embarrassing story to tell and pictures to show during Cooper's teenage years. Isn't that a Mommy's Job? Of course Matt's vote would have been for the lobster costume we own already. And big brother Davis's vote would have been for a character from Toy Story.

Hatred of a word

I started back to work on Thursday. Contractors finally finished my new branch that opened the same day as Cooper's funeral. While setting up my new office, I was going through a personal folder and found a brochure about a study we were involved in while I was pregnant with Davis. I broke down in tears. The study looked at whether extra Vitamins C & E helped prevent Preeclampsia. About a month before I was hospitalized, I received the results of the study that showed the vitamins do not decrease prevention of preeclampsia. Little did I know at the time how the disease was about to impact my life by taking my child's life. How I would come to hate the word preeclampsia. Now every time I hear or read the word I cringe. I know I will hate the word for the rest of my life because nothing will bring Cooper back to me. But I pray that a genius doctor will come along and discover a cure so no other mother will come to hate the word preeclampsia as much as I do.

Explaining to Davis

As hard as it is for me to understand what happened, it is even more difficult explaining it to Davis. Cooper was in Mommy's tummy and all of sudden he is not and everyone is upset. We told him that Cooper was born and too sick to stay here so he had to go to heaven. He understands as well as two and half year can. If you ask him where Cooper is, he will say "far away in heaven". The other day Davis randomly asked me if I could go far away to heaven to get Cooper and bring him back because he wanted to see him. Holding back the tears, I explained that once you get to heaven you can not come back. He recognizes Cooper in pictures and if you ask him if he has a brother he will respond "Yes Baby Cooper". I have a Pandora bracelet with a October birthstone and little boy for Davis and a May birthstone and little angel for Cooper. Whenever Davis notices it, he will point out which are for him and which are for Cooper. I don't want Davis to forget. Actually I don't want anyone to forget about Cooper. Last night when Davis was sitting in my lap I started crying because I was thinking how I will never get to do that with Cooper. Davis asked what was wrong and I told him I was sad. He asked "About Cooper?" I responded yes and he told me to go get a hug from his Daddy. So he definitely understands as much as he can at his age.

The biggest part of my pain right now is thinking about how Cooper and Davis will not get to grow up together and how Davis will not have the chance to do big brother duties. Even though I know its wrong, I find myself being most upset when I see young brothers together because I am jealous and sad.

Unexpected Fraternity

Before mid may, I never expected to lose Cooper. Even though he had not made his appearance yet, Cooper was an important member of our family. When we would pass by the Buttons & Bows Preschool location that has the infant room, I would hear from Davis, "Mommy, there's Cooper's School!" The nursery room in our house was called Cooper's room. And being a fabulous big brother, when Davis would have two of a toy he would tell me one was his and the other was Cooper's. Every time I imagined the future, Cooper & Davis were always right there together. We even were making plans to go to Disney next April thinking that Cooper would not be walking yet so we would only be stuck running after his big brother. Sometimes I sit and think what the heck happened. How could this happen and why is it happening to me? These are questions that will never be answered. But I am trying to stay strong so Cooper will be proud of his mommy. An unexpected source of strength are the parents who have lost children letting us know that we are not the only ones and they are there for us anytime. People we barely know and some that I have never even met have emailed supportive emails and called. It's almost like a fraternity. You know that pain as a parent and even though it will bring back memories of your loss you are going to be a support to someone else. You can not erase your pain but you can help someone else with theirs. During Cooper's funeral, I looked up and saw my cousin's wife Tammy there. She was there for me and it helped me get through that horrible moment knowing that I was not the only mother there that had gone through that. I have never told her this but Tammy is one of my heroes and she was even before I lost Cooper. She and Andy had lost their precious son Drew when he was a baby due to the irresponsibility of a daycare provider. She felt that she needed to do something about it to help others so Tammy told her story to the News and Observer which ran a special about the importance of daycares needing to put babies to sleep on their backs not tummies to protect the child from SIDS. Soon after, NC passed the Safe Sleep law requiring daycares to place the baby on his/her back to sleep. I remember signing the Safe Sleep form at Davis's first daycare and tearing up because I was so proud. It's amazing that Tammy was able to initiate change after losing her son. I wish I could figure out how to the same.

How I got here

I am sharing our story for a few reasons. One, it helps me to talk about it. Two, to educate people about preeclampsia. Three, to remind people that life is too short not to appreciate things.

On Monday May 17th, I woke up with blood on my pants. I was a day shy of 24 weeks along. We spoke with our OB and rushed to the doctors office. An ultrasound showed the placenta separating from the wall. A high risk OB from UNC was at Rex that morning so we consulted with him and decided that UNC was the place to be because if Cooper could be saved it would be there. Rex Hospital made sure I was stable and then I was transported to UNC Hospital by ambulance. Once at UNC, I was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia. This diagnosis baffled us and surprised all the OBs involved because with Davis I had no problems at all and at my last doctors appointment two and a half weeks earlier my blood pressure and the protein tests were good. So between the preeclampsia and placenta, I was told that I was there until Cooper was delivered. After three days the placenta seemed stable and my blood pressure was good because of bed rest, so we were ready for the long haul of me being in the hospital for months. On Thursday May 20th, a lot of doctors entered my room to tell me that tests came back and my liver and kidneys were beginning to fail and they would need to deliver Cooper in order to save one of us. After talking to the neonatologists, we knew that Cooper was too early to survive long even with medical help. Cooper was delivered via c-section at 4:38pm on Thursday May 20th. He was 1 pound and 5 ounces and 12.5 inches. He was beautiful and even had the little piggy nose that his Mommy and big brother have. Matt and I held and talked to Cooper until midnight when the neonatology nurses took over because we were falling asleep. The next day the nurses and Matt took turns holding Cooper in the nursery until it was time for him to go and they brought him to me. I was holding Cooper as he passed away peacefully at 2:10 pm on Friday May 21st. Even as painful as the past month has been, I am still grateful for having Cooper in my life.

It is very rare that preeclampsia gets as severe and moves as quickly as mine. Normally, it can be controlled with bed rest and a change in lifestyle. Doctors have not been able to figure out whats causes preeclampsia and so far the only way to fix preeclampsia is to deliver the baby. My blood pressure, liver and kidney functions are back to normal. It really is a strange disease. You can read more about preeclampsia here
http://www.preeclampsia.org/

Life can be too short. Cooper was only with us for 22 hours. We will not get to enjoy watching him grow up. Don't take good and bad moments for granted. I know it is easy to do but we need to enjoy life and those special in our lives even when they annoy you.